The Adventures of Foghorn Leghorn - Uboat Captain of the Kriegsmarine
by asianorange1968
Summary: Foghorn Leghorn and his hardened crew of Kriegsmarine submariners are tasked with finding and destroying a new prototype warship in the South China Sea.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Reflections

Foghorn Leghorn looked out at the sprawling blue of the South China Sea from atop his ship's conning tower, a feeling of uncanniness washing over him like the waves below. In so many ways, these waters were the same as the Northern Atlantic he and his crew patrolled back during the Happy Time of 1943 – an endless expanse of blue. Despite initial appearances, however, these weren't the waters he knew, and just as they had changed almost imperceptibly, so too had his mission.

The orders had come over the enigma machine that morning straight from Admiral Dönitz himself. At face value, the mission was much the same as always: proceed to a location and sink a vessel, preferably without being sunk yourself. This time, however, the target was not a merchant ship or convoy, but a warship – a new prototype anti-submarine warfare cruiser currently undergoing trials in the South China Sea.

And it was Japanese.

"Herr Kapitän, we're picking up sonar contacts approximately 30 kilometers west of our position," reported Schmiermittel, the ship's first mate. He continued, "they appear to all be surface ships, mein Kapitän, and it's doubtful that any non-submarine Allied ships would be operating in that area."

"Can ya confirm that no Japanese ships are officially operating in that area, son?" asked Foghorn Leghorn. "Boy, I say boy, if we end up going on some wild goose chase sinkin' some random Imperial Navy battle group, we're gonna have a lot of egg on our faces! Get it, son? Goose? Egg? Goose eggs, son! It's a joke! Flew right over ya, son! Pay attention now!"

"Sir, according to intelligence reports from the Japanese Imperial Navy, there are no Imperial Navy warships officially operating in that part of the South China Sea," countered Schmiermittel, casually ignoring his Kapitän's playful banter. "We have good reason to believe that these contacts are indeed the new cruiser and its escort."

"All righty," answered Foghorn Leghorn. He deliberated for a moment on the best course of action and then continued, "follow those contacts and keep 'em at the outer edge of our sonar range until 2100 hours. After that, we'll dive to periscope depth and get a closer look. If it's our target, we'll get 'em while they're sleepin' nice and cozy in their beds. That's right boy, from sleepin' in their beds to sleepin' with the fishes! You get that, son?"

"Aye, Kapitän," curtly replied the first mate before descending back into the depths of the Type XIV Uboat, his brevity offering a striking contrast go his superior.

"Huh, that boy's like a mule with four bum legs," mused Foghorn Leghon. "Can't kick back at all."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Shell Game

"Well aren't they clever," snarled Foghorn Leghorn, peering through the periscope. "Our sonar man's suspicions might be right, son. Looks like all three of the ships in that group are all nearly identical cruiser class ships."

"What does that mean, then, Kapitän?" Schmiermittel furrowed his brow, adding, "Did we follow the wrong group of ships? There was only supposed to be one prototype cruiser."

"No, son, I think we've got the right fleet," asserted Foghorn Leghorn. "The Japanese Navy's just bein' clever. One – or at least one – of those ships is our target. The only catch is that it's travelling with some decoys. It wouldn't be prudent to escort this new cruiser with battleships, son. It'd just make the fleet a bigger target. No, they're bein' sneaky, son! A few, unimportant ships with almost no paper trail sailing here? It's all too fishy, son. This is our group right here."

"I see," Schmiermittel said, clearly deep in thought. "What are your orders then, Kapitän?"

"Well, son, if we're gonna complete our mission, there's only one thing we can do: we have to sink every single ship in that fleet," surmised Foghorn Leghorn, adding, "how many torpedoes were we able to bring, son?"

"Sir, to make room for the extra provisions needed to make the trip to the South China Sea, we had to cut back on the number of torpedoes we brought," explained Schmiermittel. "I believe we have three, mein Kapitän," he added.

"Then son, I say son, we'd better make every one count," declared the Kapitän. After taking a moment to compose himself, Foghorn Leghorn picked up the ship's intercom system.

"Boys, I say boys, now hear this," he began. "I know this isn't the mission we're used to. I know these aren't the targets we're used to. I know there aren't the waters we're used to. But I also know that you boys are the best. I know that Admiral Dönitz chose this crew for this mission because we are the deadliest submariners in the entire Kriegsmarine! I know that you boys will carry out your orders with the speed, efficiency, and precision necessary to complete your mission, and I know that come tomorrow, there will be three less ships in the Imperial Japanese Navy! Now let's develop us a firing solution for the lead ship in that fleet, and solve the problem those ships pose to the Fatherland!"

After a moment of silence, Foghorn Leghorn howled, "boys, I say, boys, it's a joke! 'Problem,' 'solution,' it's a joke, boys. It flew right over ya! Pay attention, now, boys! Get to your action stations!"

"Sir," chimed in Schmiermittel, "we've developed a firing solution for the first ship in the fleet and are ready to fire on your orders."

"All right then, boys," Foghorn Leghorn said with a smile, "let's get this shell game started. Fire torpedo!"


End file.
